Approaching the final 2 months

on Monday, July 13, 2009

I realized this morning that Thursday will be July 16, as in 2 months away from our official due date. It was a wake up call and sent my fingers and mind twitching to make lists upon lists. Before I go crazy with listing, I have a few brief impressions to capture.

Field work is not for the faint of heart
I was nervous about going and doing the work. The first week was in the high 90s and I felt pretty good. We went slowly and it felt good to get back to my field research and bury my nose in some plants. I was overly optimistic about the next trip; less than 1 week later. The weather was cool, but the pace was about 1/2 a day too fast. I was exhausted and sore, but so thankful to Jim, Peggy, and Liz for all of their help. I couldn't (and wouldn't) have done it without them. So, I did the last bit of my field work for my Ph.D. in 2 weeks. Baby C was there to "help" me along by rebelling against all of my bending with his favorite head under my ribs pose. I had to get out the mama voice and ask him to kindly re-adjust, which worked about 50% of the time.

I missed being at home
After 6 weeks of being gone either for some part of the week or weekend, I've been at home for a full week, with Ryan, and I'm deleriously happy about it. I underestimated how tiring it would be to be out of sync with life at home. I went to the grocery store and planned a full week's worth of meals and lunches for the first time yesterday. This is something that was a minor part of my pre-pregnancy life, but it felt like a major victory.
Baby C is also a lot less responsive when I am not around Ryan. I was able to reconize this was the case instead of being worried that the baby wasn't o.k., but I like that Baby C gets the wiggles at night when Ryan's hands are on my belly. I missed Ryan's hands on time with the baby when I was away.

Ryan and the baby are a lot alike
Speaking of nighttime, Ryan is a very twitchy sleeper as he is drifting off. The first year of our marriage he would startle me on a regular basis with his pre-REM sleep activity. Ryan often falls asleep with a hand or hands on my belly now. Just as Ryan is dozing off and begins twitching, the baby comes alive and gets really active, too. I find myself smiling and my heart laughing most nights before bed.

Alternate versions of myself
Pregnancy has been an emotionally challenging time for me. One minute I feel empowered, strong, lovely, and confident. The next, (especially after a step on the dr.'s scale) I find myself berating my food choices, wondering if I'm gaining too much weight, and feeling all over dumpy. A mentor of mine reminded me that a lot of energy is going into brain development right now, so that my need to eat every 2 hours (and, thus, pack on some pounds), is fueling Baby C's brain. That was a helpful perspective, for sure. I'll gladly gain a bit more than I am "supposed to" to have a bright healthy boy in the end.
Not feeling totally in control of my emotions has been an adjustment. On the flip side, I find myself deleriously and deeply happy and that has been an unexpected positive. If only I could control the times like last week when the recycling didn't get picked up and it made me sob...ah well.

Pregnancy is a time to fall in love again
Anyone who knows me well knows that I adore Ryan. I have to say that being pregnant has made me fall head-over-heels madly in love with him all over again. Ryan is by virtue a patient person, but he has been patient and understanding with me in a way that I've never experienced before. Even when things I say come out in a tone that I didn't anticipate or I'm being even more insistent about something than normal (which is REALLY REALLY insistent), I can see him take a deep breath and not react. This usually causes me to stop what I'm doing and reconsider my tone or perspective, but the fact that he has been so sweet has made me melt over and over. I know that the next year is going to challenge our relationship as we add Baby C to our dynamic, but I have never been so confident in Ryan and in our relationship. I am looking forward to what our life together is going to look like.

This wasn't the most cohesive post, but I have been struggling with capturing the last month in my mind and heart. It was so whirlwind that it felt very much segmented and busy. I am looking forward to being quiet and calm the next two months so that my mind is back together for Baby C's arrival.


BradM said...

I can't wait to spend time with my new grandson, I'm excited for both of you. No matter how you feel at times, you will always be precious to me.

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